Hopelessness.
One word which people avoid. They'll say 'we have no hope'; but they never say they are full of 'hopelessness'.
Hopelessness is for the hopeless. Hopelessness is for people who know no other choice. They know there's a better life for them somewhere but have no idea of how to get there.
How could they? This is all they've known. The hurt and rejection they feel has never changed, except maybe to get worse.
Hopelessness drives people to do things one vowed never to do. Hopelessness makes people reach out. Yet no one will admitt they are 'hopeless'. No hope is always better than 'hopeless'.
But is anyone ever fully 'hopeless'? Don't we always have hope? Whether it be in people or God? In life or death? Or in love or hate? Surely people have something to cling to through all this.
Through life people yearn for hope. But isn't that yearning a hope for hope? Isn't wishing, loving, holding on or even giving up part of hope? Hope that there is something bigger than yourself? Hope that something can rescue you from your hopelessness?
26.03.09
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Prepare yourself, oh nations!
How many times have you tried to enter into the presence of God and it just feels like God hasn't met you there? How many times have you tried to just sit and talk to Him and praise Him but He just seems so far away? How many times have you cried out and it seems like He is ignoring your anguish? How many times have you needed God yet He seemed so non-existent?
I can say that this has happened many times to me. I've sat down to met with God but it's like He didn't get the invite. Or I go to praise Him but He's to busy caring about His other daughters to listen to my worship.
This morning as I was reading my bible I came across Jeremiah 14. During this time in Isreal's history there was a major drought. I cannot be certain about how long this drought had lasted, but I do know that this was a serious problem!!
Jeremiah 14 vs 3-4
The nobles send their servants for water; they go to the cisterns but find no water. They return with their jars unfilled; dismayed and despairing they cover their heads. The ground is cracked because there is no rain in the land; the farmers are dismayed and cover their heads.
How many times have you set out with the best intentions of getting water from God's river but come back empty handed? All those times that you are desperate for the hand of God in your personal, spiritual life. All those times you are so dry and need the water of life and truth to survive. Yet it's just not there!! You go to fetch this life-dependant substance and it's no where to be seen!!
5-6
Even the doe in the field deserts her newborn fawn because there is no grass. Wild donkeys stand on the barren heights and pant like jackals; their eyes fail for lack of food.
Because you are not recieving this water, and consequently any nutrients, you abandon your baby or your 'faith'. Because its been so long since you recieved God's word you begin to falter and lose faith and sight that this drought will ever end.
8-9
You are the hope of Isreal, it's Saviour in times of distress, why are you like a stranger in the land, like a traveler who only stays at night? Why are you like someone taken by surprise, like a warrior powerless to save? You are among us, Lord, and we bear your name; do not forsake us!
I think in these two verses we need to look at the "you are among us, Lord" as this is such a crucial moment in this chapter. Here is a person, in the middle of a drought. People are dying, livestock are dying. There is no food, no water. Tomorrow is no certainty yet this person is saying that God is here. That God, who has power to stop all of this happening, is there among them. That despite such a hardship, God is living!
How many times, when you have been spiritually dry and dying, have you cried out and proclaimed that God is AMONG us? That even though the world is spiritually hungry and searching, God is living! That even though people are dying, God still cares!!
God is always there. God is always loving on you and waiting for you. He's waiting for you to get to a place where you can stand strong in your faith and proclaim truth, even though satan is trying to prove otherwise. Even though spiritually you are in the biggest drought of your life.
Prepare yourself for the rain, oh nations!
Prepare yourself for a flood
Prepare yourself for an out pouring
Of our Fathers love!
Do not cover yourself in shame, oh nations!
Do not despair
Do not turn away from the well
Even though the skies are clear
Prepare yourself for the rain, oh nations!
Prepare yourself for a flood
Prepare yourself for an out pouring
Of our Fathers love!
I can say that this has happened many times to me. I've sat down to met with God but it's like He didn't get the invite. Or I go to praise Him but He's to busy caring about His other daughters to listen to my worship.
This morning as I was reading my bible I came across Jeremiah 14. During this time in Isreal's history there was a major drought. I cannot be certain about how long this drought had lasted, but I do know that this was a serious problem!!
Jeremiah 14 vs 3-4
The nobles send their servants for water; they go to the cisterns but find no water. They return with their jars unfilled; dismayed and despairing they cover their heads. The ground is cracked because there is no rain in the land; the farmers are dismayed and cover their heads.
How many times have you set out with the best intentions of getting water from God's river but come back empty handed? All those times that you are desperate for the hand of God in your personal, spiritual life. All those times you are so dry and need the water of life and truth to survive. Yet it's just not there!! You go to fetch this life-dependant substance and it's no where to be seen!!
5-6
Even the doe in the field deserts her newborn fawn because there is no grass. Wild donkeys stand on the barren heights and pant like jackals; their eyes fail for lack of food.
Because you are not recieving this water, and consequently any nutrients, you abandon your baby or your 'faith'. Because its been so long since you recieved God's word you begin to falter and lose faith and sight that this drought will ever end.
8-9
You are the hope of Isreal, it's Saviour in times of distress, why are you like a stranger in the land, like a traveler who only stays at night? Why are you like someone taken by surprise, like a warrior powerless to save? You are among us, Lord, and we bear your name; do not forsake us!
I think in these two verses we need to look at the "you are among us, Lord" as this is such a crucial moment in this chapter. Here is a person, in the middle of a drought. People are dying, livestock are dying. There is no food, no water. Tomorrow is no certainty yet this person is saying that God is here. That God, who has power to stop all of this happening, is there among them. That despite such a hardship, God is living!
How many times, when you have been spiritually dry and dying, have you cried out and proclaimed that God is AMONG us? That even though the world is spiritually hungry and searching, God is living! That even though people are dying, God still cares!!
God is always there. God is always loving on you and waiting for you. He's waiting for you to get to a place where you can stand strong in your faith and proclaim truth, even though satan is trying to prove otherwise. Even though spiritually you are in the biggest drought of your life.
Prepare yourself for the rain, oh nations!
Prepare yourself for a flood
Prepare yourself for an out pouring
Of our Fathers love!
Do not cover yourself in shame, oh nations!
Do not despair
Do not turn away from the well
Even though the skies are clear
Prepare yourself for the rain, oh nations!
Prepare yourself for a flood
Prepare yourself for an out pouring
Of our Fathers love!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
My thoughts are painting a picture on the canvas of my mind.
I'm a little bit confused. It's 2.15am and I'm still wide awake. Not awake in the sense of running around like a mad thing, but in the sense of my body being so exhuasted but my mind won't stop and my spirit is so restless; and a restless spirit is rarely something to be ignored.
There's so much to think about!! And the more I think about it, the more I wonder how anyone can get any sleep at all these days with so much going on and all these things that are to be thought and thunked upon.
There's so many thoughts and so many ideas! So much inspiration and motivation. There needs to be activation and innovation! Why am I sitting here in bed, 2.30am, thinking about how people can sleep when there's so much to dream about?
There's SO much! I know this is making no sense, perhaps the fatigue has set in. But all I know is that my mind is running wild, my thoughts are painting a picture on the canvas of my mind. I have no way to express this chaos except in an uninteligiable string of words on this blog. I'm sorry you are subject to this. I just need to run free.
There's so much to think about!! And the more I think about it, the more I wonder how anyone can get any sleep at all these days with so much going on and all these things that are to be thought and thunked upon.
There's so many thoughts and so many ideas! So much inspiration and motivation. There needs to be activation and innovation! Why am I sitting here in bed, 2.30am, thinking about how people can sleep when there's so much to dream about?
There's SO much! I know this is making no sense, perhaps the fatigue has set in. But all I know is that my mind is running wild, my thoughts are painting a picture on the canvas of my mind. I have no way to express this chaos except in an uninteligiable string of words on this blog. I'm sorry you are subject to this. I just need to run free.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
It's in the genes.
I think a few people are a little confused as to why I want to help PK's. I think they assume it just comes out of negativity but it really doesn't.
Let me explain.
Pastor's kids are special, I think we all know that. They have a character, experience, life and calling on their life that no other person has. They have a legacy and a heritage to fulfill. Many Pastor's Kids end up in the ministry despite the fact that (as my youth pastor put so nicely) they have enough hurt and anger that if it was a atomic bomb it could destroy the whole of Manhattan.
We have been called be God to work in the ministry yet part of us just so desperately never wants to set foot into a church again. Like Jonah we want to run far away from the calling of God because we have seen the hurt and the pain that being in the ministry can cause. Even if the church you grew up in was 'the best church possible' and even if they were 'amazing to you' a Pastor's child will more likely than not have hurts even though nothing 'extremely bad' ever happened to them.
It's just that most PK's can probably remember those nights as a kid where there Dad was at church meetings or praying with other people instead of being at home with them. They can remember those christmas's which were involved around church instead of family. They remember all the holidays that were cut short cause there was a death in the church or a wedding to attend. This does not mean that our Dad's were a bad parents or that the church was bad. The fact is that our Father's loved us and did the best for us but sometimes their job (I'm trying desperatly not to say that it was more important cause its not like that at all, but I don't know how else to put it) was important from a eternal aspect. Because of these memories there are a lot of hurts. It's nothing personal, its just what happens when you belong to a ministry.
So I basically want to help Pastor's Kids step into the position of ministry they have been called to in the best way possible. I want to help them deal with those hurts and be able to make decisions which would mean that as they become leaders and pastors and missionaries they can do it in a way which is God honoring. That they can rwach their full potential. They have such a heritage of wealth, wisdom and leadership. It's in the genes.
Let me explain.
Pastor's kids are special, I think we all know that. They have a character, experience, life and calling on their life that no other person has. They have a legacy and a heritage to fulfill. Many Pastor's Kids end up in the ministry despite the fact that (as my youth pastor put so nicely) they have enough hurt and anger that if it was a atomic bomb it could destroy the whole of Manhattan.
We have been called be God to work in the ministry yet part of us just so desperately never wants to set foot into a church again. Like Jonah we want to run far away from the calling of God because we have seen the hurt and the pain that being in the ministry can cause. Even if the church you grew up in was 'the best church possible' and even if they were 'amazing to you' a Pastor's child will more likely than not have hurts even though nothing 'extremely bad' ever happened to them.
It's just that most PK's can probably remember those nights as a kid where there Dad was at church meetings or praying with other people instead of being at home with them. They can remember those christmas's which were involved around church instead of family. They remember all the holidays that were cut short cause there was a death in the church or a wedding to attend. This does not mean that our Dad's were a bad parents or that the church was bad. The fact is that our Father's loved us and did the best for us but sometimes their job (I'm trying desperatly not to say that it was more important cause its not like that at all, but I don't know how else to put it) was important from a eternal aspect. Because of these memories there are a lot of hurts. It's nothing personal, its just what happens when you belong to a ministry.
So I basically want to help Pastor's Kids step into the position of ministry they have been called to in the best way possible. I want to help them deal with those hurts and be able to make decisions which would mean that as they become leaders and pastors and missionaries they can do it in a way which is God honoring. That they can rwach their full potential. They have such a heritage of wealth, wisdom and leadership. It's in the genes.
Monday, August 9, 2010
We are not alone in this world, even though we have our secrets.
I have four favourite websites. The first one being www.postsecrets.com which is one of the most visited websites in the world. It is a website where people make annonymous postcards with a secret that they have never told anyone on front of the postcard and they send it into a man by the name of Frank Warren.
Frank Warren started this as a social experiment a few years ago. He created blank postcards with his address on the back and encouraged people to write their secrets on the front and send them into him. At first he just posted the empty postcards into peoples letter box's or put them in books at the library. He got such an amazing response that he decided to put the best ones on a website and it soon became a global phenomenom. (For the whole story see this link http://fromuktouswithlove.blogspot.com/2010/08/postsecret-august-6-2010.html)
Now every Sunday Frank puts up about 20 of his favourte post cards that week. I have to say, getting on the computer on Monday is so exciting!! I so look forward to seeing what people have shared that week. Some days I'm left laughing, other days I'm left crying. It's such an eye opening website. You realise that behind the masks of everyday people lie such hurt, such joy and such ambition.
One Sunday Postcard said this: I have lived in San Francisco since I was young. I am illegal. I am not wanted here. I don't belong anywhere. This summer I plan to jump off the Golden Gate. This postcard sparked a campaign. A campaign called 'Please don't jump'. There is a group on facebook supporting it. A comment that someone left on the page sum's up the power of sharing that very secret: I can't ever imagine how the person that made this secret must feel. There's this massive and immensely supportive Facebook fanpage. There's been a Time article or two about this secret. Frank even speaks on Capital Hill about this secret. I really do wonder what happened to this individual. How they feel about the impact they've had. I wonder if they even realize the impact that they have made. I wonder if they still want to jump.
No one knows who this person is, or if they are still alive. But this campaign has stopped many people from committing suicide. On the facebook page there's almost 500 photo's of different people with 'Please don't jump' written on their hands. It is so powerful. The Postsecret's website is now dedicated to raising money for suicide support. Frank Warren is a speaker who goes round talking about suicide prevention.
The website shows true human emotion. It's raw and honest. It makes me think about how the world would be if we were that honest in real life. This website has made me realize that I am not alone, no matter what happens. That there are people out there who feel exactly the same way, who do exactly the same things as me. We are not alone in this world, even though we have our secrets.
Frank Warren started this as a social experiment a few years ago. He created blank postcards with his address on the back and encouraged people to write their secrets on the front and send them into him. At first he just posted the empty postcards into peoples letter box's or put them in books at the library. He got such an amazing response that he decided to put the best ones on a website and it soon became a global phenomenom. (For the whole story see this link http://fromuktouswithlove.blogspot.com/2010/08/postsecret-august-6-2010.html)
Now every Sunday Frank puts up about 20 of his favourte post cards that week. I have to say, getting on the computer on Monday is so exciting!! I so look forward to seeing what people have shared that week. Some days I'm left laughing, other days I'm left crying. It's such an eye opening website. You realise that behind the masks of everyday people lie such hurt, such joy and such ambition.
One Sunday Postcard said this: I have lived in San Francisco since I was young. I am illegal. I am not wanted here. I don't belong anywhere. This summer I plan to jump off the Golden Gate. This postcard sparked a campaign. A campaign called 'Please don't jump'. There is a group on facebook supporting it. A comment that someone left on the page sum's up the power of sharing that very secret: I can't ever imagine how the person that made this secret must feel. There's this massive and immensely supportive Facebook fanpage. There's been a Time article or two about this secret. Frank even speaks on Capital Hill about this secret. I really do wonder what happened to this individual. How they feel about the impact they've had. I wonder if they even realize the impact that they have made. I wonder if they still want to jump.
No one knows who this person is, or if they are still alive. But this campaign has stopped many people from committing suicide. On the facebook page there's almost 500 photo's of different people with 'Please don't jump' written on their hands. It is so powerful. The Postsecret's website is now dedicated to raising money for suicide support. Frank Warren is a speaker who goes round talking about suicide prevention.
The website shows true human emotion. It's raw and honest. It makes me think about how the world would be if we were that honest in real life. This website has made me realize that I am not alone, no matter what happens. That there are people out there who feel exactly the same way, who do exactly the same things as me. We are not alone in this world, even though we have our secrets.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
An apology and a explanation.
I know about a year ago I wrote a whole lot of stuff about being a Pastor's Kid (PK). Helping PK's is something I am really passionate about and I know some of you were wondering why I stopped writing about it. The reason was that people in the church my Dad was a Pastor of got offended by what I was writing and I got asked to take it down. I didn't take it down but I did edit a lot of it.
I was so angry at what happened and quite hurt as well. It's hard to explain why but I know that people thought that none of what I was writing happened to me. Truth is that 80% pf PK's have to seek professional help for depression sometime in their life and I am part of that statistic. I am sorry if what I have written previously (or what I am going to write in the future) has offended you. I am not doing this to make the church seem like a 'bad' place. I'm just sharing the truth.
Next Thursday a group of PK's are going to get together. It is the starting point of my dream. They don't know it but what they share will help me with knowing where to begin on my mission.
I'm so excited for the future.
I was so angry at what happened and quite hurt as well. It's hard to explain why but I know that people thought that none of what I was writing happened to me. Truth is that 80% pf PK's have to seek professional help for depression sometime in their life and I am part of that statistic. I am sorry if what I have written previously (or what I am going to write in the future) has offended you. I am not doing this to make the church seem like a 'bad' place. I'm just sharing the truth.
Next Thursday a group of PK's are going to get together. It is the starting point of my dream. They don't know it but what they share will help me with knowing where to begin on my mission.
I'm so excited for the future.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Don't judge them, love them.
This is a topic which is extremely close to my heart. I cannot express how much pain it causes me when I see yet another young girl fall into it's deathly grip. It can control you, it is selfish, it is horrible and yet so many people suffer from this addiction.
Self harm, self mutilation, cutting. What ever you want to call it, no one can judge another person about it until they themselves have struggled with it. You cannot say "they only want attention" until you personally know the reasons why someone chooses to hurt themselves. You cannot not look at someone and say "they can stop if they want, its just a phase" until you yourself have felt its power. You cannot judge someone for wanting to cause harm to themselves until you know what has caused them to get to such a low place.
I have a friend, for privacy's sake I'll name her Naomi, who struggled with self harm for almost five years. She started as a 13 year old, not knowing how to express her emotions properly as she was always taught that displaying 'negative emotions' such as anger, sadness, and frustration was wrong. Because of Naomi's family situation she was not allowed to talk about her problem she was having. Even when she told her Mum, 6 months after starting this addiction, she was told that she could tell no one in the church, only her Mum left it at that. She never spoke to Naomi again about the subject. I'm sure you can imagine the pain this caused Naomi, not only emotionally but also physically with the cutting.
She found herself spiraling downwards. The cutting got worse and soon she would have anxiety attacks which could only be controlled by the self harm. She would hear voices, be unable to move, have a total irrational fear of what would happen if she did not cut herself. So, when these anxiety attacks hit the only thing to calm herself down would be the self harm.
She began using her own blood to write on her wall. She would write how much she hated God, how she was useless and should die. Don't get me wrong, Naomi loved God with all her heart, its just that when under this violent addiction she could not think straight or be herself.
When she was at church she would be that perfect church girl every christian parent wanted their child to be. I know so many people who would come up to her and talk about how they saw her as such a role model. When people said things like this, all she wanted to do was scream and tell them what she was really doing. How Satan had his grip on her and would not let Naomi go. How desperate and alone she felt. How no matter what she did, nothing would take away her scars, physical and emotional, of what was happening.
She tried many times to stop, only to find herself back in the same position a few weeks later. It got so bad that one of her cuts got infected and had to see a doctor about it. The cutting carried on for a few more weeks but eventually stopped. Its been 5 months since Naomi last cut herself. The journey since then has not been easy. I'd like to write what happened, only I know that I shouldn't for her sake as it involves many people.
Naomi does not know whats kept her from cutting these past few months. All she knows is that the urge is not there any more. The anxiety attacks have gone, although the anxiety is still there. The scars are also still there. Not only physically, but emotionally she has so much hurt. From the comments of people, from the abandonment she felt, from the lying of others to protect her family and from God for not stopping this sooner.
One of the things which kept her strong were the vision's God often gave her. One was when she was writing with her own blood. Jesus came along, took her razor and cut Himself, covering her blood with His. I think this is such a powerful vision. Jesus died for our sins. He bleed so we did not have to. His blood covered our sins and because of that we are forgiven.
Naomi is only one of the millions of girls suffering from self harm. I've noticed that so many christian girls fall into this trap of cutting. Please, if you're the praying type, pray for these girls. They are so alone in this battle. It does not matter what reason they give for their actions, it is still a problem! They are still harming themselves which goes against all human instincts of survival. It is unnatural and a complete demonic thing to do. Don't judge them, love them.
Self harm, self mutilation, cutting. What ever you want to call it, no one can judge another person about it until they themselves have struggled with it. You cannot say "they only want attention" until you personally know the reasons why someone chooses to hurt themselves. You cannot not look at someone and say "they can stop if they want, its just a phase" until you yourself have felt its power. You cannot judge someone for wanting to cause harm to themselves until you know what has caused them to get to such a low place.
I have a friend, for privacy's sake I'll name her Naomi, who struggled with self harm for almost five years. She started as a 13 year old, not knowing how to express her emotions properly as she was always taught that displaying 'negative emotions' such as anger, sadness, and frustration was wrong. Because of Naomi's family situation she was not allowed to talk about her problem she was having. Even when she told her Mum, 6 months after starting this addiction, she was told that she could tell no one in the church, only her Mum left it at that. She never spoke to Naomi again about the subject. I'm sure you can imagine the pain this caused Naomi, not only emotionally but also physically with the cutting.
She found herself spiraling downwards. The cutting got worse and soon she would have anxiety attacks which could only be controlled by the self harm. She would hear voices, be unable to move, have a total irrational fear of what would happen if she did not cut herself. So, when these anxiety attacks hit the only thing to calm herself down would be the self harm.
She began using her own blood to write on her wall. She would write how much she hated God, how she was useless and should die. Don't get me wrong, Naomi loved God with all her heart, its just that when under this violent addiction she could not think straight or be herself.
When she was at church she would be that perfect church girl every christian parent wanted their child to be. I know so many people who would come up to her and talk about how they saw her as such a role model. When people said things like this, all she wanted to do was scream and tell them what she was really doing. How Satan had his grip on her and would not let Naomi go. How desperate and alone she felt. How no matter what she did, nothing would take away her scars, physical and emotional, of what was happening.
She tried many times to stop, only to find herself back in the same position a few weeks later. It got so bad that one of her cuts got infected and had to see a doctor about it. The cutting carried on for a few more weeks but eventually stopped. Its been 5 months since Naomi last cut herself. The journey since then has not been easy. I'd like to write what happened, only I know that I shouldn't for her sake as it involves many people.
Naomi does not know whats kept her from cutting these past few months. All she knows is that the urge is not there any more. The anxiety attacks have gone, although the anxiety is still there. The scars are also still there. Not only physically, but emotionally she has so much hurt. From the comments of people, from the abandonment she felt, from the lying of others to protect her family and from God for not stopping this sooner.
One of the things which kept her strong were the vision's God often gave her. One was when she was writing with her own blood. Jesus came along, took her razor and cut Himself, covering her blood with His. I think this is such a powerful vision. Jesus died for our sins. He bleed so we did not have to. His blood covered our sins and because of that we are forgiven.
Naomi is only one of the millions of girls suffering from self harm. I've noticed that so many christian girls fall into this trap of cutting. Please, if you're the praying type, pray for these girls. They are so alone in this battle. It does not matter what reason they give for their actions, it is still a problem! They are still harming themselves which goes against all human instincts of survival. It is unnatural and a complete demonic thing to do. Don't judge them, love them.
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