ask yourself “why?”

You know those Sundays when you wake up and groan at the thought of going to church and facing up to God? You somehow managed to push Him out of your head for that week, and as you brush your teeth all you can feel is that guilt in your stomach for all the sin that you’ve done that week? You swear that, even though you aren’t perfect, that amount of sin isn’t possible for you to commit in seven days.

You know those Sundays when you wake up with what feels like the heaviest heart? You just wanna curl up in bed, not because its warm, but because you have that feeling which gets ya right in the chest and holds on to you with a death grip? As you pull on your socks you bite your bottom lip to distract you from the reality of what’s happened. The past week made you feel like almost every emotion has been dumped on you by a bulldozer.

But you still manage to get to church, even if your feet are dragging a little, and as you near the door a smiling face appears and all you want to do is smear what your feeling all over the person’s crisp, clean, white t shirt. But you force a smile on your face and carry on through, into the auditorium. Music meets your ears, drums beating faster than your feet dare carry you. Lyrics about ‘freedom’ bubble from the mouths of those around you. Except all you can feel is how captive you are to the guilt and pain inside of you.

During worship you clap when expected, you raise your hands when someone’s looking and you even sang your favourite chorus a little louder than normal. But there’s that eating feeling in your stomach.

Once everyone sits down the offering bag is passed round and you chuck in your share, except all you can think about is how if you kept the money you wouldn’t have to go to the ‘bargin bins’ at shops.

The preacher gets up, preaches up a storm. But your mind has wondered off. Instead you’re nursing that hole where your heart normally is. And once the service is over you stand up, and drag your feet out of the church in the same way they went in.

Once you get home you collapse in a mess on the couch and ask yourself “why?”